The Great Unknown

This blog was inspired by my unborn child, not even 12 weeks formed yet and he is already setting fires in the hearts of man.

If you’ve met me in person you might know me as a woman of few words. However, enter into my heart and mind and you’d find yourself drowning in an ocean of thoughts. Oceans.

I spent the weekend of January 17^th-19^th of this year at a women’s retreat in Murrieta Hot Springs hosted by my church Calvary Chapel Golden Springs. At least once a day the team leading worship would play a version of Hillsong United’s Oceans. You may have heard the song:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

During a session of prayer and worship, as this song played, I dropped to my knees weeping, asking God to lead me to a place where my faith would be without borders, where my faith would be made stronger. What I didn’t know then was that I was about one month pregnant. What I didn’t know then was that I was facing a high risk pregnancy, possibly carrying a child that would have life long challenges, or worse wouldn’t even live to see his day of birth or first birth day.

All I knew then was that my heart was heavy and that the Lord was calling me somewhere where my survival hinged on only complete trust in Him. My heavy heart was burdened with a weight that I couldn’t understand at the time, but looking back I believe the Holy Spirit was preparing me for the news that I would receive only four short days after returning home from the retreat.

I remember sitting by one of the lakes on the beautiful and serene bible college campus on a break at the retreat. Oceans was on repeat in my headphones, and I was asking the Lord to reveal to me what it was He was calling me to. But an answer didn’t seem to be coming. Two of my very best friends ended up joining me, Erin and Jackie, and they asked if I was doing okay. I responded with a question: “What if Jesus was standing upon the waters of this very lake, and He asked you to step out unto the surface of the water, would you really take that first step?”

 I was thinking of Peter, a disciple of Jesus, he had the courage when asked by his Lord to step out of the boat during a raging storm and walk upon the water. We know the story, Peter looks back to where he came from and he started to sink, having to be rescued by Jesus. But did Peter panic? Or did he simply look back with a flash of fear and disbelief that he was walking on water in the midst of a storm? Either way, he took his eyes of his Savior and his moment of doubt caused him to sink. Sometimes that’s all it takes to get us off the path that God is calling us to. Just a single lapse in our faith can cause us to fall to a place where we are drowning and distant from the only One who can save us.

Well here I am Lord. I am out of the boat. I have stepped upon the waters. I don’t want to look behind because I know what is back there, a world of pain and fear and sorrow. I want you Lord. I want the freedom and joy that comes with trusting in You with all my heart and leaning not upon my own understanding. I want Your grace so that I can have Your strength when I am weak. I want Your yoke Lord, for it is gentle and light. I come with burdens and questions, but Lord I’m coming, coming to You with them. I don’t know if my child will be born with a form of Down Syndrome, a heart defect or perfectly healthy. But I do know that no one on the boat or on dry land can help me, no one can heal my baby, but You. You can Jesus. My yoke is heavy, my burdens more than I can bear; I should be sinking to the bottom of the ocean. But here I stand, upon the waters, my arms are heavy, but still reaching for You.

Did I really know what I was asking for when I asked that His Spirit lead me to a place where I would be required to trust without any restraint or moderation? No. I did not. But my husband and I are now in a place where we must wait, and trust, and exercise our faith in hopeful prayer that we would be given a healthy baby, and if not, that we would be the parents that God has called us to be that this child needs. This will happen no other way but by complete and unreserved faith in Him. And in the process, I know He will be answering my prayer and making my faith stronger.

I don’t have it all together; I don’t always act in accordance with the beat of my heart. Like Peter, I have denied Jesus, while in His very presence. Like Moses, I have misrepresented my God to the people He has entrusted me to witness to. Like Thomas, I have doubted and questioned everything The Lord has ever shown me. And like Martha, I have busied myself so intently instead of spending time with the One who died to save me. I am flawed and dusty, mistake-prone and full of regrets, but I am exactly who Jesus came to this world to save and set free.

There is no one else that can offer me that kind of mercy, no one else that can give me beauty for ashes and turn my mourning into joy. So as we embark on this journey of parenthood, I look to the Lord and must fall at His feet in surrender, because this isn’t something I can do by my strength or my might, I need His Spirit. (Zechariah 4:6)

“When My heart is overwhelmed, when the huge waves of trouble wash over me, and I am completely submerged, not only as to my head, but also my heart. It is hard to pray when the very heart is drowning, yet gracious men plead best at such times. Tribulation brings us to God, and brings God to us. Faith’s greatest triumphs are achieved in her heaviest trials. It is all over with me, affliction is all over me; it encompasses me as a cloud, it swallows me up like a sea, it shuts me in with thick darkness, yet God is near, near enough to hear my voice, and I will call to Him.” – C.H. Spurgeon in his exposition of Psalm 61:2 taken from The Treasury of David.