A Golden Cross to Bear

Fifteen days have passed since finding out the devastating news that our baby's initial first trimester screenings all pointed to a positive outcome of a chromosomal abnormality. These initial findings are why we decided to go forward with further invasive genetic testing despite the risk of miscarriage that this testing came with. It's been exactly a week since that test was performed by the Director of Perinatology and OB at UCI Medical Center. We knew we were in the hands of the All Mighty when we found out it was Dr. Porto who would perform this risky procedure, as he is not only the director of high risk pregnancies at UCI but also a professor of high risk pregnancies as well as the Chair for the California State Perinatology Board. We had the best possible doctor available on the west coast perform this procedure which consisted of sticking a needled into the placenta that houses the baby and extracting cells in order to test the DNA, we were in great hands.

The procedure was textbook and painless but we walked out of that hospital knowing that the worst was not over, but yet to come. It would be at least a seven day wait for the DNA to be tested by a Genetic Lab and for the results to be received by my doctor. That wait was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. All the questions, "will my baby be okay, is it a major chromosome abnormality, could it be a heart defect, will it be fatal, will it be minor, how will I handle the results, what happens next..." they were endless. I spent a lot of that time in silence, with the only words I was able to send up to my Divine Intercessor being "please heal my baby, please help my baby, please protect my baby, Jesus help me." The rest of the time was sadly spent in tears.

I felt like the Lord was preparing me for the results that were to come. Many people tried to offer comforting words like "we don't know anything is for sure yet, this is just a test form God, many babies that have these markers end up perfectly healthy." However, deeper than the depths of my heart into the very opening of my soul I knew that none of those things were the case, I knew I was carrying a child with a major abnormality who would need a miracle in order to survive. Nobody could convince me other wise, the Holy Spirit had his hand upon my mind as He prepared me for what was to come.

We went and paid for an elective ultrasound this Monday just to check on the baby, we wanted to hear the heart beat and make sure she was still fully alive and viable. I thought that hearing her heart beat would make it easier to wait the remaining days for results. At our 4D ultrasound we found out she was a girl, and we got to not only hear her heart beating strong but in 4D see her move around in my womb. She was playing with the umbilical cord and even looked like she was painting with her little hand; she was so active. It was so beautiful to see her so alive, so full of life with the very breath the God of this universe breathed into her.

That night I had a dream. Only one scene was vivid and recallable when I woke up. It was a doctor showing us the paper with the results, and he pointed to "Chromosome X" and said "your baby has an extra one, it's the worse possible diagnosis." I didn't wake up in tears, because again, I felt like the Spirit was simply confirming what I already knew and what God was preparing me for.

Today was the end of the seven day waiting period. And it was the absolute longest day of my life. I stayed asleep as long as I could so I wouldn't have to be awake waiting any longer than I had to. 3:00pm came and I made a call to the fetal diagnostic center at UCI to see if my results were in. They said they would call the lab and call me back. At 4:00pm I had not received a call back so I called again..."any word?" Yes! My results had been faxed over and they were now sitting in the box of the genetic counselor assigned to call me back and discuss the findings, but she was on a conference call, so I was promised she would call me back as soon as she got off the phone. At 4:45 I had not yet heard back so I called for the third time hoping to catch her before she left for the day, this time the Genetics Department exchange answered and I was informed that the department closed at 4:30.

I wasn't going to give up though. I knew that someone had my results and I was determined to get them. I called St. Jude Hospital's Fetal Diagnostic Center whom originally referred me and called UCI to squeeze me in over there to have the testing done on a day when they were already fully booked. The woman who answered the phone was the same angel that went out of her way to make sure I was seen last Wednesday to get the testing done. She knew my voice, and tenderly said "hi Diana." I explained UCI was now closed and was promised the counselor would call me back but now I can't get through. I was panicked and anxious and my voice relayed every emotion that was coming to surface. She promised to track the counselor down and have her call me. Ten minutes later my phone rang.

And that is when our world stopped. "Your results are in. Your baby does have a serious chromosomal abnormality. It's chromosome 18, and she has an extra one, three instead of two. This is a very serious problem and I'd like for you to come in tomorrow to discuss the details of the diagnosis." She was on speaker phone so that my husband could hear too. After setting a time and hanging up the phone, we turned to each other, embraced each other as we laid on the bed, and started to cry. The kind of cry that can't be consoled or stopped, it just has to flow and run it's course.

Trisomy 18, also referred to as Edward's Syndrome, is one of the most severe chromosome problems a child can have. 95% of these babies die before they are born, the remaining 5 percent have a lifespan of 5-15 days, while some can live up to a year old, with one percent living into early adulthood but with major intervention and assistance required as the defects are so serious.

I can't really express in words what I am feeling right now, tears seem to be the only outlet of expression I have. The only comfort I have is knowing that the God who saved and transformed my life is in control of my baby's life; He formed her, He knows Her, He ordained her, and she is His. And He chose me to carry her, He chose me to be her mommy. I breakdown at the thought of never being able to hear my baby girl call me mommy, of never getting to braid her hair, of ever being able to push her on a swing or go dress shopping for prom with her. My baby's time in this temporal world is just that, temporary.

I can ask the Lord a thousand times why he picked Israel and I to be her parents, why He chose such an inexperienced,  newly married, young couple to carry her, but it's all in vain. He chose us, and who better? We have so much love and time to give this child of His, that I wouldn't want her to be in the womb or arms of anyone else. A majority of mothers receiving this diagnosis choose to terminate their pregnancies and try again for a healthy child. So that is why I know God picked us, He knew we would love and cherish and appreciate her for the time we have her and that we will try with all our might to let her life bring glory to God.  She is wonderfully and fearfully made, and perfect in His sight, so that is how we will treat her; like His perfect child who He has loaned to us for just a short time to carry out His grander plan.

As I proofread the words I have written I feel like I'm reading someone else's story, I don't feel like this is my life. I don't know how I went from the surprise excitement of having a baby just two months ago to now thinking about whether or not I'll have to plan her funeral before her first birthday. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem "right" nor "fair," it all feels like a dream. I am still in a state of shock, I'm not really sure that I've accepted all of this. But I know that my God has never failed me, and He won't start now. I know that He has a plan and a future for my life, I know that He takes what the enemy has intended for evil and uses it for good and that He promises joy for mourning. "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:3-4.

All I can do is try to keep my mind stayed on Him, for it's only then that I will be kept in perfect peace. Worrying does not add one cubit to my stature, and running from the only One who can help me would be the most foolish thing I can do right now. So I will cling to Him, even though I will fail and fall short and run out of patience and get bitter and angry, I will do so in the presence of my Savior as it is only there that I will find strength.

My husband and I thank you all and greatly appreciate your support and prayers during this difficult time. We thank God that we have been given such amazing family and friends to uplift us and to constantly remind us that He is always with us.

Our beautiful baby girl at 13 weeks 3 days. She's smiling right at us!

"Do you remember what Mary said when Gabriel told her that she would bear God's child? She said 'I am a virgin. How, then, can this be?' The angel answered, 'the Holy Spirit will come on you, and God's power will rest upon you' (Luke 1:35). Without any regard for how this pregnancy might complicate her life Mary said 'I am the Lord's servant...may it happen to me as you have said' (Luke 1:38). This was Mary's signature statement, reflecting her attitude about serving God."
-Mary's life experiences help us understand what it means to be a Christ follower. It means responding to God in the good and bad times by submitting to God's will. Our response to His will, even when it is perplexing or painful, should be the same as hers: "I am the Lord's servant. Whatever God says, I accept." -Brenda Poinsett taken from She Walked With Jesus

UPDATE: Thursday 3/27/14
Today we met with the genetic counselor to discuss the details of our baby's fatal diagnosis. Sadly, that diagnosis did not change. However, we received some exciting news! It turns out that that precious baby in the sonogram photo is not a girl at all, but is indeed a boy, confirmed by DNA analysis! The commercial Ultrasound location we went to just to check on the baby was "99% sure" that it was a girl, but our son's DNA says other wise! In all honesty, when I was told she was a girl I was a bit disappointed only because from day one of finding out I was pregnant I knew I was carrying a boy, as did my husband, I would have bet a thousand bucks that it was a boy, so to hear my intuition was so off was a bit discomforting. So you can imagine my joy, even despite the circumstances, to be told our baby was a boy. All my life I've dreamed of having a baby boy, I always wanted to have a boy first so that he could be the big brother to his siblings. And God gave me the desires of my heart, He blessed me with a son! This is the silver lining I didn't expect to find. I have to apologize to my little man for referring to him as a 'she' and 'her' so many times, but baby boy I am so honored to be your mommy and so happy that God chose me to carry you. No one can ever take your place in my heart, you are my dream come true and I am so thankful for you baby.

Testing the Promises

On January 22, 2014 I found out we were having a baby, and I was going to be a mom. Two months have passed since then and I no longer refer to myself as a "soon to be mom," I am a mom. I have a child developing in my womb, whom I am responsible for. It falls on me if this baby does not get the proper nutrients it needs or if the baby gets an infection due to something I eat; I am responsible, I am her mother.

But for the last thirteen days I feel like I haven't been a very good mother. Once finding out that my innocent baby may be in need of a miracle to survive, I have let my joy turn to mourning and my excitement to fear. I've spent many combined hours in tears, begging God to heal my baby, and countless other hours despondent and detached thinking of the worst possible outcomes that could come of this once beautiful pregnancy.

My baby has a 7.4 mm fluid build up behind her head, neck and spine that has increased between weeks 11 and 12 and her extremities appear to be abnormal. Many of these markers point to chromosomal abnormalities like Down Syndrome, Turner's Syndrome and Edward's Syndrome. The latter two being the most devastating to think about as these babies typically die before birth and if they actually make it to their birth date won't survive for more than a week, while some can live up to a year. But I pray that the very worst outcome is that we have a child with functioning Down Syndrome in which we can still love and spoil her and watch her grow up surrounded by family that loves and adores her.

These are just some of the things I agonize over as I await the results of a CVS I had done on Wednesday, 3/19, which is an invasive genetic diagnostic test to determine what exactly my baby is facing. This seven day waiting period for the test results has put me in the trenches of the deepest valley I have ever known. There are no words that comfort, or embraces that that offer solace.

During these times I find myself questioning God. "Why make my baby suffer, will You take my baby, why can't You take me instead, what kind of lesson is this?" I shout these questions in the form of endless tears but with the same tears I beg God for mercy and healing upon my baby. I plead for a miracle while trying to accept His will for my life and the life of my child.

Then I remember that The Lord has led me here, He set my feet upon the water and asked me to take that first step, to trust Him, that He might take me to a place where my faith would be without borders. Yet at this point, I feel like I'm sinking. I feel like I have taken my eyes off my Savior and instead turned them to all the problems my baby is dealing with, as she fights with her little, beating heart to survive in my womb.

I'm not sure if I'm on a hour glass running out of time with this beautiful baby that I have fallen so in love with, so I have decided to be the best possible mother I can to this amazing baby for as long as I have her. I have spent the last couple nights reading Bible stories to her and letting her listen to my favorite worship songs. I want to be able to look back and know that I didn't spend my last days with her just waiting for her to die, but that I tried as hard as I could to let her experience life and be taught that Jesus loves her, so much so that He might just take her home to heaven early so that she can live in perfect peace with Jesus forever. And that one day I will be there to finally meet her.

And that is what brings me back to the Lord. If He does take my baby home, straight out of my womb, then the only way I will ever get to see her again is by trusting in Him and His promises that He works all things together for good for those that love Him, and that when I go through deep waters He will be with me. It's hard to think that He is here with me, because my carnal mind so simply deducts that if He were here He would be healing my baby and taking me out of this fire. But it's just like the thought of eternity or the Trinity, it's so far beyond our minds ability to comprehend that we have to rest on faith and believe what He says to be true in His word. So I must believe, without understanding, that faith is the things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen and that though there may be pain in the night joy comes in the morning.

The very Hand that formed the universe is holding me up at this point, because I can't stand on my own. I have a heavy, sorrowful spirit and can't seem to shake the grief that burdens my heart. But I am reminded of Hannah, in 1 Samuel, who also had a sorrowful spirit as she could not conceive and spent many years lamenting in prayer begging God for a baby. However, though she was sorrowful her own personal woes were not her life Psalm. She still had a God to serve, a husband to tend to and people to bless. She put duty before her misfortune and exhibited grace and gentleness as she excused other's lack of sensitivity and even their unfounded accusations for why she was in her position. Hannah's sorrow drove her deep within herself and then boldly into communion with her God. And in His presence she found grace. Hannah ended up bearing a son, which she had promised God that if she conceived she would dedicate him to the service of the Lord and have him to serve and live with the priest. She had finally bore a son, but then gave him up to the temple as she had promised. And for her faithfulness God blessed her with five more children after that.

I pray for that grace, that this suffering would lead me to be more gentle and patient with fellow sufferers, that I might have compassion to bear with others in their burdens; that I might help them see through the walls of tears that well up in their eyes that the cross still stands and the Lord still reigns. It's okay to have bitterness in our heart for our circumstances, as long as we believe that the Lord will sweeten our souls in His time. The winter will pass, the rain will soon be over, flowers will appear on the earth and a time of rejoicing will come. (Song of Solomon 2:11-12)

My husband and I greatly appreciate and welcome your prayers for our baby and our family during this wait for answers and crucial stage of development in our baby's life.

Our Baby at 12 weeks 5 days

"Our Father has reasons peculiar to Himself for thus keeping us waiting. Sometimes it is to show His power and His sovereignty, that men may know that Jehovah has a right to give or to withhold. More frequently the delay is for our profit." -C.H. Spurgeon taken from Morning and Evening

The Great Unknown

This blog was inspired by my unborn child, not even 12 weeks formed yet and he is already setting fires in the hearts of man.

If you’ve met me in person you might know me as a woman of few words. However, enter into my heart and mind and you’d find yourself drowning in an ocean of thoughts. Oceans.

I spent the weekend of January 17^th-19^th of this year at a women’s retreat in Murrieta Hot Springs hosted by my church Calvary Chapel Golden Springs. At least once a day the team leading worship would play a version of Hillsong United’s Oceans. You may have heard the song:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."

During a session of prayer and worship, as this song played, I dropped to my knees weeping, asking God to lead me to a place where my faith would be without borders, where my faith would be made stronger. What I didn’t know then was that I was about one month pregnant. What I didn’t know then was that I was facing a high risk pregnancy, possibly carrying a child that would have life long challenges, or worse wouldn’t even live to see his day of birth or first birth day.

All I knew then was that my heart was heavy and that the Lord was calling me somewhere where my survival hinged on only complete trust in Him. My heavy heart was burdened with a weight that I couldn’t understand at the time, but looking back I believe the Holy Spirit was preparing me for the news that I would receive only four short days after returning home from the retreat.

I remember sitting by one of the lakes on the beautiful and serene bible college campus on a break at the retreat. Oceans was on repeat in my headphones, and I was asking the Lord to reveal to me what it was He was calling me to. But an answer didn’t seem to be coming. Two of my very best friends ended up joining me, Erin and Jackie, and they asked if I was doing okay. I responded with a question: “What if Jesus was standing upon the waters of this very lake, and He asked you to step out unto the surface of the water, would you really take that first step?”

 I was thinking of Peter, a disciple of Jesus, he had the courage when asked by his Lord to step out of the boat during a raging storm and walk upon the water. We know the story, Peter looks back to where he came from and he started to sink, having to be rescued by Jesus. But did Peter panic? Or did he simply look back with a flash of fear and disbelief that he was walking on water in the midst of a storm? Either way, he took his eyes of his Savior and his moment of doubt caused him to sink. Sometimes that’s all it takes to get us off the path that God is calling us to. Just a single lapse in our faith can cause us to fall to a place where we are drowning and distant from the only One who can save us.

Well here I am Lord. I am out of the boat. I have stepped upon the waters. I don’t want to look behind because I know what is back there, a world of pain and fear and sorrow. I want you Lord. I want the freedom and joy that comes with trusting in You with all my heart and leaning not upon my own understanding. I want Your grace so that I can have Your strength when I am weak. I want Your yoke Lord, for it is gentle and light. I come with burdens and questions, but Lord I’m coming, coming to You with them. I don’t know if my child will be born with a form of Down Syndrome, a heart defect or perfectly healthy. But I do know that no one on the boat or on dry land can help me, no one can heal my baby, but You. You can Jesus. My yoke is heavy, my burdens more than I can bear; I should be sinking to the bottom of the ocean. But here I stand, upon the waters, my arms are heavy, but still reaching for You.

Did I really know what I was asking for when I asked that His Spirit lead me to a place where I would be required to trust without any restraint or moderation? No. I did not. But my husband and I are now in a place where we must wait, and trust, and exercise our faith in hopeful prayer that we would be given a healthy baby, and if not, that we would be the parents that God has called us to be that this child needs. This will happen no other way but by complete and unreserved faith in Him. And in the process, I know He will be answering my prayer and making my faith stronger.

I don’t have it all together; I don’t always act in accordance with the beat of my heart. Like Peter, I have denied Jesus, while in His very presence. Like Moses, I have misrepresented my God to the people He has entrusted me to witness to. Like Thomas, I have doubted and questioned everything The Lord has ever shown me. And like Martha, I have busied myself so intently instead of spending time with the One who died to save me. I am flawed and dusty, mistake-prone and full of regrets, but I am exactly who Jesus came to this world to save and set free.

There is no one else that can offer me that kind of mercy, no one else that can give me beauty for ashes and turn my mourning into joy. So as we embark on this journey of parenthood, I look to the Lord and must fall at His feet in surrender, because this isn’t something I can do by my strength or my might, I need His Spirit. (Zechariah 4:6)

“When My heart is overwhelmed, when the huge waves of trouble wash over me, and I am completely submerged, not only as to my head, but also my heart. It is hard to pray when the very heart is drowning, yet gracious men plead best at such times. Tribulation brings us to God, and brings God to us. Faith’s greatest triumphs are achieved in her heaviest trials. It is all over with me, affliction is all over me; it encompasses me as a cloud, it swallows me up like a sea, it shuts me in with thick darkness, yet God is near, near enough to hear my voice, and I will call to Him.” – C.H. Spurgeon in his exposition of Psalm 61:2 taken from The Treasury of David.