But for the last thirteen days I feel like I haven't been a very good mother. Once finding out that my innocent baby may be in need of a miracle to survive, I have let my joy turn to mourning and my excitement to fear. I've spent many combined hours in tears, begging God to heal my baby, and countless other hours despondent and detached thinking of the worst possible outcomes that could come of this once beautiful pregnancy.
My baby has a 7.4 mm fluid build up behind her head, neck and spine that has increased between weeks 11 and 12 and her extremities appear to be abnormal. Many of these markers point to chromosomal abnormalities like Down Syndrome, Turner's Syndrome and Edward's Syndrome. The latter two being the most devastating to think about as these babies typically die before birth and if they actually make it to their birth date won't survive for more than a week, while some can live up to a year. But I pray that the very worst outcome is that we have a child with functioning Down Syndrome in which we can still love and spoil her and watch her grow up surrounded by family that loves and adores her.
These are just some of the things I agonize over as I await the results of a CVS I had done on Wednesday, 3/19, which is an invasive genetic diagnostic test to determine what exactly my baby is facing. This seven day waiting period for the test results has put me in the trenches of the deepest valley I have ever known. There are no words that comfort, or embraces that that offer solace.
During these times I find myself questioning God. "Why make my baby suffer, will You take my baby, why can't You take me instead, what kind of lesson is this?" I shout these questions in the form of endless tears but with the same tears I beg God for mercy and healing upon my baby. I plead for a miracle while trying to accept His will for my life and the life of my child.
Then I remember that The Lord has led me here, He set my feet upon the water and asked me to take that first step, to trust Him, that He might take me to a place where my faith would be without borders. Yet at this point, I feel like I'm sinking. I feel like I have taken my eyes off my Savior and instead turned them to all the problems my baby is dealing with, as she fights with her little, beating heart to survive in my womb.
I'm not sure if I'm on a hour glass running out of time with this beautiful baby that I have fallen so in love with, so I have decided to be the best possible mother I can to this amazing baby for as long as I have her. I have spent the last couple nights reading Bible stories to her and letting her listen to my favorite worship songs. I want to be able to look back and know that I didn't spend my last days with her just waiting for her to die, but that I tried as hard as I could to let her experience life and be taught that Jesus loves her, so much so that He might just take her home to heaven early so that she can live in perfect peace with Jesus forever. And that one day I will be there to finally meet her.
And that is what brings me back to the Lord. If He does take my baby home, straight out of my womb, then the only way I will ever get to see her again is by trusting in Him and His promises that He works all things together for good for those that love Him, and that when I go through deep waters He will be with me. It's hard to think that He is here with me, because my carnal mind so simply deducts that if He were here He would be healing my baby and taking me out of this fire. But it's just like the thought of eternity or the Trinity, it's so far beyond our minds ability to comprehend that we have to rest on faith and believe what He says to be true in His word. So I must believe, without understanding, that faith is the things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen and that though there may be pain in the night joy comes in the morning.
The very Hand that formed the universe is holding me up at this point, because I can't stand on my own. I have a heavy, sorrowful spirit and can't seem to shake the grief that burdens my heart. But I am reminded of Hannah, in 1 Samuel, who also had a sorrowful spirit as she could not conceive and spent many years lamenting in prayer begging God for a baby. However, though she was sorrowful her own personal woes were not her life Psalm. She still had a God to serve, a husband to tend to and people to bless. She put duty before her misfortune and exhibited grace and gentleness as she excused other's lack of sensitivity and even their unfounded accusations for why she was in her position. Hannah's sorrow drove her deep within herself and then boldly into communion with her God. And in His presence she found grace. Hannah ended up bearing a son, which she had promised God that if she conceived she would dedicate him to the service of the Lord and have him to serve and live with the priest. She had finally bore a son, but then gave him up to the temple as she had promised. And for her faithfulness God blessed her with five more children after that.
I pray for that grace, that this suffering would lead me to be more gentle and patient with fellow sufferers, that I might have compassion to bear with others in their burdens; that I might help them see through the walls of tears that well up in their eyes that the cross still stands and the Lord still reigns. It's okay to have bitterness in our heart for our circumstances, as long as we believe that the Lord will sweeten our souls in His time. The winter will pass, the rain will soon be over, flowers will appear on the earth and a time of rejoicing will come. (Song of Solomon 2:11-12)
My husband and I greatly appreciate and welcome your prayers for our baby and our family during this wait for answers and crucial stage of development in our baby's life.
 |
| Our Baby at 12 weeks 5 days |
"Our Father has reasons peculiar to Himself for thus keeping us waiting. Sometimes it is to show His power and His sovereignty, that men may know that Jehovah has a right to give or to withhold. More frequently the delay is for our profit." -C.H. Spurgeon taken from Morning and Evening
No comments:
Post a Comment