A Golden Cross to Bear

Fifteen days have passed since finding out the devastating news that our baby's initial first trimester screenings all pointed to a positive outcome of a chromosomal abnormality. These initial findings are why we decided to go forward with further invasive genetic testing despite the risk of miscarriage that this testing came with. It's been exactly a week since that test was performed by the Director of Perinatology and OB at UCI Medical Center. We knew we were in the hands of the All Mighty when we found out it was Dr. Porto who would perform this risky procedure, as he is not only the director of high risk pregnancies at UCI but also a professor of high risk pregnancies as well as the Chair for the California State Perinatology Board. We had the best possible doctor available on the west coast perform this procedure which consisted of sticking a needled into the placenta that houses the baby and extracting cells in order to test the DNA, we were in great hands.

The procedure was textbook and painless but we walked out of that hospital knowing that the worst was not over, but yet to come. It would be at least a seven day wait for the DNA to be tested by a Genetic Lab and for the results to be received by my doctor. That wait was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. All the questions, "will my baby be okay, is it a major chromosome abnormality, could it be a heart defect, will it be fatal, will it be minor, how will I handle the results, what happens next..." they were endless. I spent a lot of that time in silence, with the only words I was able to send up to my Divine Intercessor being "please heal my baby, please help my baby, please protect my baby, Jesus help me." The rest of the time was sadly spent in tears.

I felt like the Lord was preparing me for the results that were to come. Many people tried to offer comforting words like "we don't know anything is for sure yet, this is just a test form God, many babies that have these markers end up perfectly healthy." However, deeper than the depths of my heart into the very opening of my soul I knew that none of those things were the case, I knew I was carrying a child with a major abnormality who would need a miracle in order to survive. Nobody could convince me other wise, the Holy Spirit had his hand upon my mind as He prepared me for what was to come.

We went and paid for an elective ultrasound this Monday just to check on the baby, we wanted to hear the heart beat and make sure she was still fully alive and viable. I thought that hearing her heart beat would make it easier to wait the remaining days for results. At our 4D ultrasound we found out she was a girl, and we got to not only hear her heart beating strong but in 4D see her move around in my womb. She was playing with the umbilical cord and even looked like she was painting with her little hand; she was so active. It was so beautiful to see her so alive, so full of life with the very breath the God of this universe breathed into her.

That night I had a dream. Only one scene was vivid and recallable when I woke up. It was a doctor showing us the paper with the results, and he pointed to "Chromosome X" and said "your baby has an extra one, it's the worse possible diagnosis." I didn't wake up in tears, because again, I felt like the Spirit was simply confirming what I already knew and what God was preparing me for.

Today was the end of the seven day waiting period. And it was the absolute longest day of my life. I stayed asleep as long as I could so I wouldn't have to be awake waiting any longer than I had to. 3:00pm came and I made a call to the fetal diagnostic center at UCI to see if my results were in. They said they would call the lab and call me back. At 4:00pm I had not received a call back so I called again..."any word?" Yes! My results had been faxed over and they were now sitting in the box of the genetic counselor assigned to call me back and discuss the findings, but she was on a conference call, so I was promised she would call me back as soon as she got off the phone. At 4:45 I had not yet heard back so I called for the third time hoping to catch her before she left for the day, this time the Genetics Department exchange answered and I was informed that the department closed at 4:30.

I wasn't going to give up though. I knew that someone had my results and I was determined to get them. I called St. Jude Hospital's Fetal Diagnostic Center whom originally referred me and called UCI to squeeze me in over there to have the testing done on a day when they were already fully booked. The woman who answered the phone was the same angel that went out of her way to make sure I was seen last Wednesday to get the testing done. She knew my voice, and tenderly said "hi Diana." I explained UCI was now closed and was promised the counselor would call me back but now I can't get through. I was panicked and anxious and my voice relayed every emotion that was coming to surface. She promised to track the counselor down and have her call me. Ten minutes later my phone rang.

And that is when our world stopped. "Your results are in. Your baby does have a serious chromosomal abnormality. It's chromosome 18, and she has an extra one, three instead of two. This is a very serious problem and I'd like for you to come in tomorrow to discuss the details of the diagnosis." She was on speaker phone so that my husband could hear too. After setting a time and hanging up the phone, we turned to each other, embraced each other as we laid on the bed, and started to cry. The kind of cry that can't be consoled or stopped, it just has to flow and run it's course.

Trisomy 18, also referred to as Edward's Syndrome, is one of the most severe chromosome problems a child can have. 95% of these babies die before they are born, the remaining 5 percent have a lifespan of 5-15 days, while some can live up to a year old, with one percent living into early adulthood but with major intervention and assistance required as the defects are so serious.

I can't really express in words what I am feeling right now, tears seem to be the only outlet of expression I have. The only comfort I have is knowing that the God who saved and transformed my life is in control of my baby's life; He formed her, He knows Her, He ordained her, and she is His. And He chose me to carry her, He chose me to be her mommy. I breakdown at the thought of never being able to hear my baby girl call me mommy, of never getting to braid her hair, of ever being able to push her on a swing or go dress shopping for prom with her. My baby's time in this temporal world is just that, temporary.

I can ask the Lord a thousand times why he picked Israel and I to be her parents, why He chose such an inexperienced,  newly married, young couple to carry her, but it's all in vain. He chose us, and who better? We have so much love and time to give this child of His, that I wouldn't want her to be in the womb or arms of anyone else. A majority of mothers receiving this diagnosis choose to terminate their pregnancies and try again for a healthy child. So that is why I know God picked us, He knew we would love and cherish and appreciate her for the time we have her and that we will try with all our might to let her life bring glory to God.  She is wonderfully and fearfully made, and perfect in His sight, so that is how we will treat her; like His perfect child who He has loaned to us for just a short time to carry out His grander plan.

As I proofread the words I have written I feel like I'm reading someone else's story, I don't feel like this is my life. I don't know how I went from the surprise excitement of having a baby just two months ago to now thinking about whether or not I'll have to plan her funeral before her first birthday. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem "right" nor "fair," it all feels like a dream. I am still in a state of shock, I'm not really sure that I've accepted all of this. But I know that my God has never failed me, and He won't start now. I know that He has a plan and a future for my life, I know that He takes what the enemy has intended for evil and uses it for good and that He promises joy for mourning. "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:3-4.

All I can do is try to keep my mind stayed on Him, for it's only then that I will be kept in perfect peace. Worrying does not add one cubit to my stature, and running from the only One who can help me would be the most foolish thing I can do right now. So I will cling to Him, even though I will fail and fall short and run out of patience and get bitter and angry, I will do so in the presence of my Savior as it is only there that I will find strength.

My husband and I thank you all and greatly appreciate your support and prayers during this difficult time. We thank God that we have been given such amazing family and friends to uplift us and to constantly remind us that He is always with us.

Our beautiful baby girl at 13 weeks 3 days. She's smiling right at us!

"Do you remember what Mary said when Gabriel told her that she would bear God's child? She said 'I am a virgin. How, then, can this be?' The angel answered, 'the Holy Spirit will come on you, and God's power will rest upon you' (Luke 1:35). Without any regard for how this pregnancy might complicate her life Mary said 'I am the Lord's servant...may it happen to me as you have said' (Luke 1:38). This was Mary's signature statement, reflecting her attitude about serving God."
-Mary's life experiences help us understand what it means to be a Christ follower. It means responding to God in the good and bad times by submitting to God's will. Our response to His will, even when it is perplexing or painful, should be the same as hers: "I am the Lord's servant. Whatever God says, I accept." -Brenda Poinsett taken from She Walked With Jesus

UPDATE: Thursday 3/27/14
Today we met with the genetic counselor to discuss the details of our baby's fatal diagnosis. Sadly, that diagnosis did not change. However, we received some exciting news! It turns out that that precious baby in the sonogram photo is not a girl at all, but is indeed a boy, confirmed by DNA analysis! The commercial Ultrasound location we went to just to check on the baby was "99% sure" that it was a girl, but our son's DNA says other wise! In all honesty, when I was told she was a girl I was a bit disappointed only because from day one of finding out I was pregnant I knew I was carrying a boy, as did my husband, I would have bet a thousand bucks that it was a boy, so to hear my intuition was so off was a bit discomforting. So you can imagine my joy, even despite the circumstances, to be told our baby was a boy. All my life I've dreamed of having a baby boy, I always wanted to have a boy first so that he could be the big brother to his siblings. And God gave me the desires of my heart, He blessed me with a son! This is the silver lining I didn't expect to find. I have to apologize to my little man for referring to him as a 'she' and 'her' so many times, but baby boy I am so honored to be your mommy and so happy that God chose me to carry you. No one can ever take your place in my heart, you are my dream come true and I am so thankful for you baby.